I have a paper and an assignment due tomorrow but here I am. Screaming. Can you hear me? Can anyone hear me? I need someone to squeeze me so tight that my heartbeat is forced to meet theres. I felt a wave of needles wash over my body and the funny thing about pain is eventually you experience it on such a level that your body goes numb. Numbness is a funny thing. How do you explain numb? The absence of feeling? But what is feeling? A sensation? An emotion?

Whatever it is, I don’t like it. Feeling and the absence thereof makes me altogether whole and undesirable. No one wants the broken but how do you know the difference between broken and whole when you have always walked on the line? Never smart enough for advance classes and too smart for the regular ones. Never crazy enough for hospitalization yet never sane enough to survive by yourself. Never stable enough for a relationship but never at peace enough to stay celibate. Not desirable enough for a respectable relationship but desirable enough for a fuck without asking and leave.

One day, I hope the sun shines down on me. Better yet, make me the sun. Let my rays reach down and love the girls who find theirselves just like me. Self destructive behavior after self destructive behavior just to cope with the fact that you need to give up a different self destructive behavior. Girl, let my rays reach far down enough that you feel my burn. Please don’t hurt yourself. Please feel my warmth and know you are loved. Let my love burn into your skin so that there is no room for anything else. Let the sunburn of my love be all the branding your skin needs. Maybe that numbness will be enough for you.


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