Stronger… Maybe

I feel myself getting stronger every day. I may be breaking down more, but somehow I find strength in it. Seeing him has fueled my rage. I’m no longer afraid to say his name. I find strength in saying his name. My voice does not waver; I say it with rage and confidence. On the outside I’m trying to give the illusion of a stone cold goddess. Now, obviously, on the inside I’m kind of struggling. My chest still tightens when I saw your name or have flashbacks. I think the flashbacks are the worst and the not sleeping. I’m starting to see your face when I close my eyes. I’m in a state of constant exhaustion with occasional energy bursts and some distraction.

I’m getting a distraction this weekend. My friend is kidnapping me to get out of the town I’m in. She thinks it will help me mentally and maybe she’s right. At least I won’t worry about seeing you while I’m with her. Maybe a new place means I’ll sleep better.

I’m still waiting for me to feel better. It’s harder when I know that you’ve tried and failed to rape 2 other girls. Which makes me wonder what’s wrong with me? Why did you succeed in raping me? I was told I wasn’t assertive enough. Is that true? Screaming didn’t even enter my head to do, neither did running. I somehow just said, here it goes, it’s going to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. I felt completely defeated. I just let you, I protested 4 hours earlier, but not when you actually did it. God, what’s wrong with me? I would never victim blame anyone else, but I can’t help but blame myself and try to convince myself that somehow that it was my fault. But why would I have such a strong reaction if it was my fault? Maybe because I feel guilty that I didn’t care enough about myself to fight for myself.

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