Today in therapy world! It wasn’t an easy day. My therapist is easing us into longer session which means there’s more to talk about. He does most of the talking, but I like it that way because when I talk my mind goes blank or I start worrying. His voice is soothing and sometimes actually puts me to sleep. Today, he let me read my file. It was basically an evaluation of me and how he wants to move forward. The diagnosis PTSD was put out there. It kinda freaked me out. He assured me that there was nothing to worry about and that diagnosis was just a road map to see what might help but it was still scary.
We also talked about my fear of big crowds when I’m by myself and for the first time I felt like I wasn’t in control in the therapy session. I started tearing up and couldn’t stop rubbing my knuckles against the wood of the chair. He pointed that out but said it wasn’t to judge me but to make sure I was aware and trust me I was. Once I composed myself enough to talk, I said that my fear of big crowds comes from being in a crowd of people and no one noticing if something went wrong. It pulls me back to the first rape when I was in a room of people (not necessarily a crowd) and no one noticed that he was groping me or trying to get me to do things to him.
My therapist takes long pauses when I say things he views as significant. I know he does this to make me “sit” with the emotion, but it just makes me want to get up and run or crawl out of my skin. We started a meditation plan to get me back on track so that’s good. Here’s to facing things head on and not running from them when they scare you.