Sit back boys and girls as I go on my ramblings about my life and possibly wallowings for which I apologize. This week has been hard. Monday started with a psych screening to set me up with a counselor. I had to talk about my assault and I cried and laughed because that’s how I cope. I’ve been to this place before and the guy screening me asked why I had come before. I told him about the depression, anxiety, cutting, and eating disorder. Then he asks the worst question that he could have asked “Why haven’t you started cutting again?” Seems like a harmless enough question, but it wasn’t. I looked him in the eye and said “if I cut right now I would go on a binge and I don’t know if I would be able to pull myself out of it.” Ever since I told him that, I can’t stop thinking about it. I hate being alone because it’s all I think about and then I start panicking because it’s been about a year and four months since I’ve cut. But here I am freaking myself out over something I haven’t even done. He also made a point that I know a lot about myself (my coping mechanisms and how I react to stress). While this is all very true, I feel like I have no direction right now, like I’m floating through everything. Distancing myself from events and situations, staying busy to drown out the emotions. I hate crying in front of people about anything but I broke down today to a friend about the cutting thing. I couldn’t help myself. I can’t even remember the last time I openly cried about something in my life to a friend. I feel like a massive burden that no one but myself can carry and even I’m not doing that great of a job.
I told one of my friends about the assault. It was her friend who assaulted me and it was at her beach house. I’ve been ignoring her because I was afraid she would take his side. She apologized and said she wished I had yelled for her that night. I told her I wished I had too. She doesn’t know how much I’ve played that night over and over again in my head and thought of all the things I could’ve done differently. She also said that she’s not shocked that he did that. She thought he was a good guy, but he’s not. I’m glad I have her back, I’ve missed her words of wisdom and company. It was almost a sigh of relief because I finally got to say his name to someone. I wouldn’t even say his name in the counseling screening, something kept holding me back.
Today at work I had to go into the freezer and breathe because I was panicking. This guy that I went on a date with a year ago reconnected with me. We had originally stopped talking because he didn’t respect my boundaries and I had a full on panic attack all the way from his place back to mine (an hourish drive). I cried the whole way home. I now realize that me haven been assaulted played into my reaction. I apologized to him about it without giving him all the details. I run when I get scared. I freeze people out until they go away. I’m not sure if I did the right thing by apologizing, but it made me feel better.
All of this has me thinking more and more about God. I almost wish I wouldn’t. I gave up on the concept of God a while ago. There’s a lot of things that don’t add up to me. I’ve cried to God more times than I can count and while I know I’m blessed with the things I have and am stronger because of my experiences, how could a loving god let these things happen. Why did he let me cut myself for 7 years? Why did he let me be raped? Why did he let my parents divorce? People will say it’s the free will aspect of it or blame sin in the world and I get it, I truly do. But, I can’t sit here and let myself praise a god who lets these things happen. I want to scream at an empty sky.
Through all of this I’m so thankful for my friends. I honestly don’t know how I would make it through everything without them, they let me cry, laugh, and forget about everything with open hearts and minds. They keep me sane and keep me from completely falling apart, I will always be so thankful for them and their love.