compartmentalizing

This is kind of an update on my last post. I set up my appointment today to talk to our Title IX coordinator. I’ve been given a rape crisis advocate. I’m so scared; I’m scared because I’ve lied to myself about this for so long that now I can hardly believe myself when it’s staring me right in the face. I never consented, I said no when I was drunk so why would I say yes when I was sober/hungover. In that moment, all I could feel was myself coming outside of my body and doing whatever I needed to to make him hurry up and leave. I have to keep repeating these things to myself and reminding myself that if this had happened to my sister, I would have automatically called it rape. So why don’t I give myself that same treatment? Why am I not allowing myself to finally grieve and actually deal with these emotions lying deep inside? Still set on not giving up the name of the guy. Still not sure about counseling. Will never tell my family. I will get through this.

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