So the end of 2016 has come upon us and here we are with 2017. 2016 brought me a lot:
- heartbreak I didn’t expect, I know no one ever actually expects heart break, but I didn’t even expect to give my heart away.
- I finished therapy!! This was a huge thing for me, I have been to a lot of therapy sessions with different therapist, but I had never actually completed therapy. I’d either stopped going or my therapist moved. This time I actually finished and for that I am proud.
- I found myself and my creativity again. This was also a big deal. Ever since middle school I have had trouble finding myself, instead I tried to find myself in religion, guys, sex, and many different self destructive behaviors.
- I learned that I can stumble without falling to the bottom of stairs. I stumbled a lot this year, in school, relationships, and life in general. After therapy, my biggest fear is always falling, because when I fall, I fall hard and it spirals out for a long time leaving me wrecked. So I learned that when I fall, I down’t have to keep falling, I actually have the choice to rise back up and keep going.
What I hope to find in 2017:
- Bravery. I’ve always had this inner fear of being myself. Fear that people won’t accept me or love me. I worry about people thinking I’m weird, or not enough, or too much and while I love myself, I worry that no one will ever love me. I know I’m throwing myself a pity party so I’ll move on.
- More creativity. While I have found a lot of it this past year, I feel like there are more doors to open and spots to uncover.
- Meaningful relationships. I have spent this past year too focused on quick, meaningless sex, free of emotion. But the truth is there is ton of emotion inside me. I cry after sex or I start to panic and leave before the sex even happens. So I’m done. Not with sex of course, but with meaningless sex. I need to get to know the person first and learn to form a real bond before jumping in the sheets, it’s not healthy for me no matter how much I try to convince myself that it is.
- My people. Sure, I have people that I adore, people I love, but I only give each person a piece of me, hiding the rest and then giving a different piece to someone else. I want to find the people or person that I can give it all to.
So there are my corny goals and reflection. Here’s to a New Year. Cheers