My life is a shit show. I’ve had writers block for ages yet I have so many emotions that I need to get out lately. It’s like there is something in my brain barricading the most creative and beautiful parts of me.
I had another melt down tonight. So here I am in my meditation hole, blocking myself off from people so maybe just maybe I can process what’s going on with me. I’ve had many revelations lately about my life and I hate being so self aware. So let’s make a bullet list of what I’m aware of.
- I want sex not love because sex is predictable and love is not.
- I want sex with men who are already in relationships because then I won’t have to worry about emotions developing because they are already “claimed” by another.
- I am absolutely fine with being alone for the rest of my life and that terrifies me.
- As soon as a guy starts trying to get to know me I get so scared because I’m so afraid of emotions.
- I still can’t get my mind off of Ric, he screwed me over so much and I still miss him, I even drunk texted him on my 21st birthday.
- I’m drinking right now and I probably shouldn’t be.
- My meditation hole is my safe space and half the time I never want to leave it because the world scares me.
- I’m tired of being the one people go to because I’ve got a lot of problems of my own (clearly).
- I hate going to people because I feel like a burden.
- I wish I was Edgar Allen Poe and I could drink lots and then have creativity just flow from my finger tips.
- I thought I was fine and I was just planning my life out because for once I was on top of everything.
- I’m not as ok as I thought I was.