Yesterday, my friend asked me if I’d ever been told I needed to go to a mental hospital. Thinking she was being serious, I replied with, “yes, when my eating disorder was at its worst, my psychologist suggested it.” Then, my friend proceeds to tell me that a guy had told her that. We laugh it off like it was nothing, but it wasn’t nothing. For me, it brought back a flood of emotions that I didn’t realize we’re happening.
I haven’t had an eating disorder thought in about a year, and haven’t acted on an eating disorder behavior in about a year and a half. So, when I fell asleep last night, I was not expecting to dream about it. I dreamt that I put myself in a group home and the trip was supposed to last a week. I lied to my parents and said that it was a spa retreat. When I got there, I talked to some nice older ladies, but I can’t remember the conversation. What I do remember is me running away the next day and going home while storm clouds were all around me. I got a text from one of the older ladies telling me how I would never make it and I need to come back so I could get help.
I woke up nearly in tears. I don’t know why a simple conversation about a mental hospital made my mind race like that (I rarely dream), but I honestly never want to think about it again. These are emotions that I thought I had dealt with so with it coming back I don’t know how I feel or even how I should feel.