“Pray.” This was my father’s response when I told him I was questioning God. I’m sorry daddy, but your little girl who believes in fairy tales and dreams about Disney cannot bring herself to talk to a cloud in the sky. And why would I when this imaginary being has never been there? We are praying to a void that will never hear our cries, much less our praises.
“He loves you,” my mother says. Momma, I am so sorry, but love is unconditional and I cannot picture a man who would send someone to Hell as someone who is loving. I would much rather let calming waves carry me out to the unknown crevasses of the ocean than bet on heaven from a god who says he loves unconditionally but follows that with rules and regulations. Unconditional love does not come with rules and regulations. Momma, do you only love me when I follow your rules and regulations? Will you burn me if I don’t follow them?
“God will never leave you, nor forsake you,” is usually followed with “God doesn’t leave you, you leave God.” Last I checked, fathers walked out on sons and daughters, leaving them with broken hearts and tear-stained faces. Do not tell me the god of the universe mourns my disbelief when his teachings brought me there. A god that sends a selfless woman to hell for their disbelief in him yet brings a “born again” murderer into the gates of heaven is not a god I want to believe in, much less be associated with, quit trying to convince me otherwise.
Because god is perfect and without sin, but is he sincerely without sin or does the fact that he’s the creator of the universe omit the reality that wonderful people are being sent to hell for not giving into an ideology that teaches that our life is just a flicker of light. My life is not a flicker of light, it is a constant darkness, and I’m running out of matches. But I’m not angry at a god who does not exist, I am angry at myself for turning to what I thought was the sun, when it was only another wasted match.
My life is a series of burnt out matches and I am tired! I would much rather give into the darkness than continue to burn my soul on wasted matches.